Why I should not finish my PhD

1. No job when I finish. No income.
2. No home when I finish. No reason to stay in my apartment, in town, in the country.
3. It's so hard. I'm very tired.
4. I don't understand how to do the hard parts. I don't think it's possible to do it alone.
5. Who's going to read it anyway? Honestly?
6. I have test anxiety. My dissertation defense is THE BIGGEST TEST EVER. Ironically, I can't use my usual coping strategy of over-preparation.
7. I have a conflict with one of my committee members. He has taken action to exclude me from pursuing my field of study once I finish. He has cast a vote of no confidence, even before my defense. I believe that this is due to professional jealousy, not because my work is low quality.
8. My heart is broken and I've lost faith in the process. I've learned that academia does not take care of you, even if you give your whole heart to it.
9. My therapist says I don't have to finish if I don't want to. That sounds like blasphemy to me and it's incredibly titillating.

Why I should finish my PhD:

1. I can remember when I loved my project. I want to love it again.
2. I secretly think that having a PhD will make me bulletproof.
3. Once it's finished, it's finished. I might even get my life back.

Which list is more convincing to you?

Summering down south

I'm in Florida for the summer doing an internship. Not the usual approach for a PhD student, but I DO need to find a job someday and they say experience helps. I like my internship way better than I like my dissertation, but I imagine I'd feel ambivalent about it if it were my dissertation. What sweet irony or whatever.

So far in Florida...

I learned that I have a fairly severe allergy to bedbugs.

My dog was bitten by a puggle and has 3 staples in her ear.

My dog has fleas.

My dog has been wearing a cone for a week. She is pissed.

There are bats here and I like that.

There are alligators here and that seems dangerous.

It is unreasonably hot. That sucks.

The Cuban restaurant was not as good as I'd hoped.

I'm really itchy.

Dissertation progress:

1. Made a table with 400 boxes - check one box for each hour of work on my dissertation.
2. 28 boxes are checked so far. 372 to go.
3. I had a new idea today about how to do something. It felt weird and pleasant.
4. I have not acted on idea mentioned above.
5. Considering having the "I am not going to stay in academics" conversation with my advisor in a couple weeks. Worried that he will be disappointed.
6. Set a defense date. November 2. Backup date Feb 2. Backup-backup date April 2.

Back at home, my goldfish has died. Rest in peace, Ricky Ricardo Jr.

Thanks to my good friend HatHair for burying him with dignity and a water gun salute.

She is a better person than me.

Last week I had dinner with a PhD student who was visiting to interview for a postdoc. She said something like, "I wasn't really thinking about finishing my dissertation, but then suddenly I had enough data and all I had to do was write it up! I was surprised because I didn't think I was working that hard, but I guess I do think about my research all the time, so I'm kind of working even when I'm doing other stuff."

She is a better person than me. She was a suspiciously pleasant dinner companion.

Last time I thought about my dissertation research in my spare time: >1 year ago
Number of semesters I've gone beyond my expected graduation date: 1
Number I probably have to go: 2 to 7

Most recent health complaint: eye twitch
Cleanliness of apartment: disappointing at best

WTF, weekend?

Events of this weekend:

Traffic fatality in front of my house. Naked man driving a pickup truck killed a woman who was driving home from work. I was an eye witness. I saw all his junk. I made 3 separate statements to the police. I had a headache for 2 days.

After 6 repairable attempts, the dog finally succeeded in severing the phone cord and my internet access. I believe she resents the time I spend staring at the illuminated box. She is a brat. I'm offline at home until the landlord takes mercy on me.

Progress on dissertation: zero
Toothaches requiring dental work, including shots: 1
Cost of haircut: $50
Quality of haircut: frizzy

I do not feel like a tiger today.

"When people ask me about my thesis I want to cry tears of blood that spell 'I DON'T GIVE A FUCK!' across my face."
-- Shorts, my office mate

Things aren't going well.

I'm supposed to finish my dissertation this year.

Total years in undergrad + grad school: 11.3
Years on this project: 4.8
Income on 2009 taxes: $16,000
Age: 36
Weight gain in last 6 months: +20lbs
Learning/cognitive disabilities: 2 or 3
Drug of choice: adderall

Motivation: low
Interest in project: all-time low
Interest in other things: all-time high
Job prospects in my field: pitiful
Relationship status: single, bored, and lonely
Dating prospects: queer in a midwest college town... not so good
Relationship with dog: possibly codependent
Goldfish's health: nearly tail-less due to chronic fungal infection
Dishes in sink: many, nearly ripe

The first 3 years of my PhD program were fun. Full of people, travel, new ideas and learning. Now I sit alone in an office all day and try to write. It's lonely. It's not fun anymore. I'm not making progress. It feels like purgatory and I don't know how I'm going to get to the other side. I'm an extrovert. This sucks.